


Evil, evil vodka

by ConsultingGinger



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Drunk!Riza, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:36:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsultingGinger/pseuds/ConsultingGinger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dinner between Riza and her best friend leaves her a little bit tipsy. Just a little. A tiny, tiny bit.<br/>And then the phone rings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Evil, evil vodka

 

Her head was floating. She was at a really good place at the moment, just past the tipsy point and about half a mile before regretting anymore intake.  _Damn, that fruity vodka is good_ , she thought as she took another swig. She was laying down on her sofa, hair down, in her favorite oversized sweater, thoroughly enjoying the pleasant buzz from her drink. Looking down at her clock, she noticed that she reaaaaally should go to bed now, if she was going to wake up on time the next morning. On her way to the bathroom, her phone rang.  _Who calls at this hour? Seriously, someone should invent a thingy to tell people who's calling._

"Helloooooo?"

"Elizabeth? is that you?" a familiar masculine voice on the line asked.

"Yup it is, is this my favorite Colonel?" she said with an unusual perk to her voice.

"The one and only. You sound different tonight Elizabeth," the Colonel asked concerned.

"I am... I think, no, no i definitely am..." Riza playfully answered and ended with a uncharacteristic giggle.

 _Did she actually giggled?_ Roy wondered,  _this is surreal._

"What's going on my dear?"

"Weeeeeell, you know my friend, uh, Reb.... uh I mean, uh Roberta?"

"Yes? From the shop in east district?" Roy tried, hoping she wouldn't give her real identity away,  _We are probably under surveillance._

"Right! Her!" she exclaimed, "Well, she came over with this amazing fruity vodka. I don't remember why she came over... She doesn't have a boyfriend at the moment, so no broken heart..." she briefly wondered. "Anyway, she left a while back and forgot her bottle and oh... Somebody's been drinking all that is left!"

"So, you are drunk?" he stated extremely amused.

"You could say that, dear Colonel." Riza took another sip of her drink.

"I see... How big was that bottle?" Roy asked, hearing the liquid swish around in the glass.

"Oh, not that big, but it taste sooooo good, and she brought TWO bottles." she replied chipper.

"What flavor is that vodka? You sound so happy and relaxed, maybe I should try it."

"I'm a happy drunk, whatever drink makes me happy and relaxed dear, but according to the label it's... hold on, come here you..." she reached for the bottle "Pear flavored! doesn't taste like pear though. At allllll, but it's still pretty amazing."

There was a pause in their conversation. They actually heard a subtle click on the line. Finally, whoever had the task of listening to the conversation has had enough of boring drunken banter. Noticing this, despite her drunken state, at this point, things like this were second nature, Riza continued talking.

"Soooooo Colonel, you called to flirt or you actually wanted something? Where are you?"

"Still at the office, at my desk." He responded, her tone had a little something off and it made Roy on edge. He did not recognized that tone, and he liked to think he knew every tone Riza used.

"Still in your uniform?" she interrupted him, "or have you tossed your coat away and rolled up your sleeves?"

"What?"  _I've never seen her this drunk_. Roy was definitely enjoying this, finally alcohol made an ass of someone else than him!

"Sorry, you know how I have this filter? In front of this other filter?"

"Yes? I seem to recall those."

"Well, both those filters took the other filters to that swing club down north avenue I've been dying to try, and I'm talking too much and I don't care."

"You will in the morning."

"I still don't care Mr best ass in eastern command."

Roy grinned, "Your personal opinion Lieutenant?"

"There was a poll in the secretarial pool a few weeks ago. I did not vote."

"Wait, I actually won that silly poll? I thought that was a dumb rumor?"

"Oh yes, you did, by a laaaaaandslide at that, tried to stop it, see that's sexual harassment and all."

"It's fine, I promise I won't press charges."

"Or rub it in Havoc's face?"

He chuckled softly, "I promise."  _She's not going to live this down._  "By the way, what was that about my sleeves?"

"I can't really explain... seeing you like that... with like, a button or two undone, well, for some reason, it drives me mad." She said matter-of-factly, finishing her glass.

"Really? You hide it well."

"Filters, remember? They're pretty efficient when they're not dancing the night away, plus you don't see me that way. It doesn't last long though, you usually do something so dumb I want to strangle you a bit."

Roy stretched out his legs on the desk and chuckled a bit. He undid the button on his collared shirt.

Riza let out a sight, one Roy never heard.  _Maes was right, you never truly know someone until you see them drunk out of their minds..._

"You're frustrating sometimes, you don't realize how tempting you are to me, with those forearms, and your shoulders and those lips always chewing on those damn pants, I mean pens, plus you smell nice... and you're warm... and... you... you don't see what you do to me..."

"Oh god." He knew where she was going with this. He just knew.  _I should stop this now, she's drunk and she doesn't know what she's saying... and oh god..._

"Roy?"

"Yes?" He said trying to keep his voice as straight and casual as he could.

"You're breathing louder than usual." She said flatly.

"Am I?"  _Busted... damn, hang up this damn phone..._

"Is it because of me?" She paused.

Roy's mind raced. _Run, now, hang up this phone, wake up, go to sleep, pinch yourself, this is not happening. She doesn't see you this way, she never did, she's drunk and lonely and she'll shoot you if she remembers any of this in the morning._

"You're breathing loud and I never even told you what I dream to do to you." Her voice dangerously low, confident and unashamed.

Roy groaned before he could stop himself, obscene scenarios flashing in his mind.  _Shit, shit, shit, change the subject, NOW._ He cleared his throat.

"To answer your previous question, my coat is actually off, my cuff are unbuttoned but my sleeves are not rolled up."

"Oh! So? Boring paper then? You only roll your sleeves when you try to concentrate". Riza said turning back to her normal, although a bit slurred thanks to the alcohol, tone.

"I do?"  _Diversion successful! Thank god. Note to self, don't get drunk with Riza, I won't be held accountable for my actions._

"Yes, you always did, I first noticed back when you were studying at home."

"I never knew I did that."

"Of course not, you're so absorbed, I'd be naked and you would not see it."

"Oh I'm sure I would."

She started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh no, you would not, Sir"

"How would you know?"

"I know for a fact you would not."

"Really? How?"

"It happened before, dummy," he heard her pouring herself another drink and take another swig, "3 times, actually."

"WHAT?"

"Yup."

"No?"

"Yup."

"Really?"  _Find another word Roy, you'll wear it out._

"Yup." She repeated, amused at his antics. She took another sip.

"Damn, I really am a big dummy."

"Yup."

"When?"

"Does it matter?"

"No I guess not," he sighed dramatically, "yet another missed opportunity for me." He blurted out before he could stop himself.

"Tell me about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Frustrating remember? The first time, was kind of by mistake... Remember that undercover mission on the Creta border? Went to take a shower, and forgot my clean clothes. I dressed completely behind you and you never saw."

"Damn."

"Yeah, you were reading the files about that alchemy myth in the valley. Sleeves rolled up, chewing your pen between writing notes in your black book. The way you touch paper when you concentrate should be illegal by the way. I actually tried to talk to you, twice, you never noticed, so I took off to take a shower to keep myself from slapping you back to reality."

"Wow." He managed, astonished.  _Well, to be fair, that myth turned out to be pretty fascinating and useful in the end._

"The other two, also kind of by mistake, but part of me wanted to jump you. Surprise you by running my hands through your hair... Or maybe nibbling your earlobe... Or kissing you neck... I can't decide, both are so appealing. You'd make a surprised noise and try to turn around but I'd stop you...."

She heard nothing on the other end of the line, just a loud gulp and heavy breathing.

She smirked, visibly pleased by the effect she had on him. "I thought that would get your attention... I'd press myself against you, grabbing you by the waist... Pulling that stupid hot shirt out of your pants... Reaching up to your shoulder holster... Oh right you don't wear those anymore. Shame... I love those on you. I know you don't need guns... but you don't wear your gloves with those and it leaves your hands bare and you don't know how..."

"Riza..." he started.

"...much I'd want them on me. I'd undo every button on your shirt and pull it down your shoulders... Kissing every inch of skin as the fabric falls, maybe bite a little bit... just to... you know.... and you'd hiss a bit..."

"You... really seem to, erm, know what you want."

"I do, lots of thinking time. That's just one of the scenarios. I'm usually not naked from the start." She punctuated with another swig.

"Uh..." He took off his feet from the desk, and sat up straight in his office chair.  _Dear god, when the hell it got so warm in this office?_

Riza giggled softly. "Seems like I rendered you speechless... Sometimes, when you talk too much, I think about kissing you to shut you up... And then you'd grab me and kiss me back and leave me breathless and then clothes fly, sometimes stuff on your desk too or it's just at my place, or yours, and you kiss your way down my body... And I just bet you are amazing with those lips and that smart mouth..."

Roy was frozen in place, every word putting very vivid images in his mind.  _Why does everyone torture me on the phone._ "Riza..."  _Please..._

"...I've heard the rumors... about how you..."

"Riza..."

"...I've seen your dates. Ya know, the girls I don't know. Those you take on real dates, I know, well assume I'm not your type so I never even tried..."

"Riza..."

She heard him, but she deliberately continued "...plus I'm probably more of a sister to you. I mean, we've known each other for so long, and you've seen so much of me, twice, and never tried or gave a sign..."

"God..."

"...and now the filters are gone and I cant stop talking..."

"Stop..."

"Told you, I can't."

"Please..."

"Sorry." She said.

"Don't be, I'm the one who's sorry."

"Roy... I..."

"Look, you are drunk."

"So? Doesn't mean I'm lying."

"I know, the filters are out dancing" he said smiling at the thought, "it's just that... it should not happen like this..." he paused, waiting for an answer that never came, "don't be mad at me, please... I couldn't stand it..."

"Not drunk me isn't mad, pretty sure she understands, maybe even agrees."

"Good."

"But drunk me is. A little at least," she pouted.

He laughed softly, "I can understand that."

"So drunk me, is telling you, I was just about to take a shower when you called."

"Ok?"

"I've been nude this entire conversation, and drunk me clearly thinks I had some effect on you tonight."

"Erm..."

"So, drunk me revenge's is telling you, maybe I'll think about you in the shower..."

Click.

"Uh? Riza?"

"She hung up."Roy shook his head, as it this would stop his racing mind.  _Stop thinking about what she... Just stop it now!_

"Oh Crap!" Exclaimed Roy as he realized he forgot to ask Riza about her informant, so he could plan the operation...  _Oh screw that, I need a damn cold shower!_

  
  


Riza woke up way past her usual time, with a splitting headache. Events from last night were a bit fuzzy. She remembered Rebecca coming to her place for dinner, those delicious, delicious evil vodka bottles... Everything else was a blur, real or made up conversation, she couldn't tell which it was. She looked at her bedside table and saw a tall glass of water and two pills.  _Thanks drunk me, you always think about that._

Roy didn't sleep much that night, he took that opportunity to head to the office early for once and plot a little revenge. Falman arrived at his usual time, roughly 20 minutes before the start of the shift.

"Colonel? Good morning." He said, clearly surprised at his superior's presence.

"Morning!"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye isn't here?"

"No, not yet." Answered Roy, a knowing smirk on his lips.

 

 _Great, I really am late now,_ mused Riza as she made her way through the staircase, slowly. Her head was clear, but she still felt the lingering effect of alcohol.  _I'll be fine, just keep..._

"Morning, Lieutenant!" Her whole unit exclaimed as she opened the door.

"Morning" She made her way to her desk. Her eyes grew wide when they landed on the Colonel. He was sitting his feet up on the desk, coat off, sleeves rolled up and, _wait are those shoulder holsters?_

"Lieutenant" He greeted. still smirking.

Last night phone call came back all at once to Riza.

_That smug bastard._

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first, published, fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed.  
> Also, english is not my first language, so feel free to point out mistakes and stuff!  
> :)


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